Ethan's Essays

(This won’t make much sense unless you are familiar with The Colbert Report on Comedy Central.)
 
 
To: Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. (honorary)

An Open Letter to Mr. Stephen Colbert (mp3, 1:15, 441 kB)

From: Ethan M. G. Moore, Ph.D. (real)
 
 

Transcript of the audio:

An open letter to Mr. Stephen Colbert (/ˈkoʊlbərt/):

It has come to my attention, Mr. Colbert, that despite your claim that “You are America”, you insist on pronouncing your last name “Cole-bear” (/koʊlˈbɛər/). That sounds French, Mr. Colbert, and I’ve also learned that you pronounce other innocent English words in a French manner, turning report into “re-pore” (/rəˈpɔr/). You’re not fooling us, Mr. Colbert. We all know that from there, it’s just one small step to having socialized medicine, adopting the metric system, and surrendering without a fight to the Nazis! This is America, Mr. Colbert — we don’t pronounce things the French way, we pronounce them the Freedom way. We don’t care if your ancestors were foreign, particularly if they came from Western Europe, but we do insist that you join our Great American Melting Pot. You’re on notice, Mr. Colbert. It’s time for you to straighten up and melt with us.

Thank you.